Numb
by Flowers of April
Summary: Bella's POV in New Moon after Edward leaves and a few hours spent alone at his abandoned home.


Hey Fanfiction. It's been a while. I actually just thought of this idea, like, two hours ago? I just got this urge to write and I did. It's not very long. Just a little something I really wanted to write at the moment. Any mistakes, I apologize.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

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I had walked.

For hours, I walked ahead blindly. Words that turned my stomach repeating in my head like a broken record, making me stop suddenly to choke the awful feeling back down. The numbness keeping me going forward.

I knew that I would never reach my goal. I was only human and right now, more than ever, it was not enough.

It was never enough. But it was all I had.

I pulled my lifeless body over roots and fallen branches. Deeper, deeper…

I couldn't go back, even if I remembered the way. I needed to try to reach my out-of-reach goal. Without it, I would surely die. It was getting hard to breathe.

A stray root stuck up from the earth right in front of me. I didn't even feel it when I hit the ground. It was inevitable. I was always so close to what I wanted, but something was always in the way to stop me.

I struggled to pull the oxygen into my lungs. There was a thick pain in my throat that I couldn't swallow away. This was the end. I could feel it coming.

I pulled my knees up and hugged them to my chest as my world fell apart and I died.

Even when I have nothing to live for, I continue to anyway.

The months blurred together as I lived each long day wrapped up in my numb. I was empty in the daylight, while in the company of others. I was left alone, not at all minding anymore. Preferred it, actually. Why bother getting attached?

But at night…

I was tortured relentlessly. The worst moment of my life; my eyes forced to watch, my being forced to relive.

I was killing Charlie. I was able to observe little in my daily life, and this was plain as day. But what could I do? I was already avoiding…everything…

"Bells?" My head turned automatically. I was automatic everything these days.

"Yeah Dad?" I answered half-heartedly.

"I'm…uh, gonna go fishing with Harry this afternoon. Is that okay with you?" I really looked at him for the first time in a while. His eyes were tired and he had dark circles lining his wrinkled eyes. But I could see the worry there, and it was hard to not look away. He needed this.

I tried smiling. It felt wrong. "Sure Dad. I'll…be alright."

He grimaced just slightly and I knew exactly what he was thinking, because I was thinking it too.

"Okay. I just be gone a few hours. Promise to be back before dark." He reassured as he grabbed his pole and tackle box.

And then I slipped back into my protected shell as I was left alone.

I sat down on my bed and let out a big gust of air. What was I supposed to do now?

I ran my hands over my quilt as I glanced around my room. I needed a distraction. Any free time left for thinking was too much. I could already feel the hole burning slightly around the edges. I clutched my blankets.

I hate this room. Too many reminders; too many memories. I was panting now. Quick, sharp breaths.

I had to get out. I was beginning to crumble.

I jumped up and raced down the stairs. I snatched my keys from the table and ran to my truck. I didn't know where I was going. There was no where I could go anymore.

So I just drove.

When the haunting white house came into view, I knew it was too late to regret my subconscious decision. I had to get this out. It was the worse distraction yet.

I pulled up and got out, holding onto the doorframe for support as I stared up at the massive towering house. A house that would crush me. It was beginning to. I could already feel it. My chest heaved and I knew it was a mistake to come here. It made me feel miserable.

I pulled my gasping form back into my toasty cab and gripped the wheel, making no move to start up and drive away from here as fast as I could. I took one last deep breath as I threw myself to the sharks.

The door was unlocked. I half expected it to be, but then again, no one was here to care anyways.

Things were easily replaced.

It was exactly as it was before…. All the furniture was in the same place, pictures still on the walls. I didn't look at them.

I walked slowly up the stairs to the top floor. I took my time, the numbness seemed to be back in its place. For now.

I hesitated outside the room for a moment, then I told myself to just get it over with.

I turned the knob slowly and pushed the door open.

Everything was left behind. The air left my lungs quickly and left me winded. I don't know why this shocked me, they left behind everything else….

I sat on the familiar black leather couch, feeling a bit light-headed. As I tried desperately to catch my breath, I took in the room.

The wall of music was untouched, as was the stereo system in the corner. A thin layer of dust covered the belongings, I noticed, as my eyes ran over them. They finally came to rest on the large window-wall. I could make out my blurry form reflected back at me as a traitor tear spilled over. It hurt to be here. It even still smelled like…_him_.

I never felt more alone.

I fell over onto the couch as I just let it consume me. Swallowing me whole and drowning me. I cried so hard that my body shook with my sobs. I pulled in shaky gasps every few seconds, forcing air in just so I could pour my heart out. My eyes started to sting and my lungs and throat started hurting after a while. I couldn't calm myself down. All my bottled up sadness was finally set free and it intended to come out until I ran dry.

I was suddenly so angry. It wasn't fair. He promised. He would disappear forever and would stop existing in my world.

Didn't he realize that he was my world. He was everything in it. He may be gone, but everything remained.

I screeched suddenly and threw both of my hands into the couch, hard. I drew them up again, only to pound them back down. My hands started to throb and I knew I'd be sore tomorrow.

I jumped up from the couch and my legs gave out from in under me and I fell to the ground. I lid there for a while and just sobbed. It wasn't fair, and he needed to know that.

I pulled myself up onto my knees and glared at the ceiling. I sniffed a bit and wiped my puffy eyes.

"You promised me…" I whispered hoarsely. The words burned my throat as they clawed their way up and out, but I couldn't find it in me to care.

I cleared it, wincing slightly at the pain and tried again. "_It'll be as if I never existed, _you said." I laughed without humor. "You think you can just up and leave and expect me to forget about you so easily?!"

I took a deep breath. "Well, it didn't work. It was a waste. It was all a waste…" I could feel the anger slipping as the sadness threatened to take over once more. It was much easier when I was angry.

"I'm so alone. You took my everything, you know." I sighed. "My best friend." _Alice_. It hurt even to think her name. "She can't even help me through this. I have no one." I thought about Mike and Angela and even Jessica. We had become so distant. They didn't even bother to try and talk to me anymore.

My brows scrunched up. "No one."

I stood up and went to the window. My lonely reflecting stared back at me. The image of pure sadness.

"I need someone who understands. No one understands how much we were, and how easily you forgot that. You fell out of…love…with me. It seemed so effortless for you. Why isn't it as easy for me to leave you? I can't go on keeping this misery locked away, eating away at my insides. I'm so lost, and I don't know what to do with myself."

I sunk back down to the floor. The onslaught of realization was too much and my head drooped onto the top of my knees. I was lost within myself.

I finally let myself think about my situation. I couldn't seem to find a way out. "I'm trapped in this vicious circle. I'm so lifeless and my nightmares leave me without sleep. It's the same thing day after day, and I can't get out of it."

It was hopeless. I was slipping back into the comforting numbness and I welcomed it with open arms. I didn't want to go on feeling this consuming sadness and hopelessness. I just wanted to be numb.

I picked myself back up, and just simply continued to survive.

"Goodbye…Edward_._" I whispered as I gripped the doorknob and pulled the door shut. I felt my last tear slide down my cheek before the numbness took over completely as I gave up my right to feel.

I made my way out of the house that I both loved and hated, continuing to shut down. I opened my door robotically and climbed in, my subconscious taking over my actions once again.

The sun was beginning to set as I left behind any feelings I might have had left. I sighed quietly as I drove, trying to prepare myself for the horrifying nightmares that would surely haunt me tonight as punishment for my mistake today.

But for now, I just let myself be numb.


End file.
